Ask Guru Gobbo #87

You hit it on the button: it's total bull. Red Diamond was complete and utter garbage. Kirby is never called an anything in training. The frauder who made up Red Diamond, being an idiot, got nothing right. Well, it was either idiocy or craftiness that let him to this use of the phrasing. Diamond hit it out while the animated series was rockin' the free world, so the mention was either because the guy didn't know better and assumed the same storyline flew in the games or he was just trying to milk dummies who liked the show. Frankly, I'm pretty sure he just thought, "Eh. Star warrior. That sounds right."

At the most, you could say it is just a generic title, a kenning put to the character to describe him. It isn't an official title or role like Galaxy Army Soldier or Star Warrior are, but it nonetheless describes them. As is documented in Kirbypedia, it is used in advertisements alone, never in any show or game. Knights are likened to heroes, and you can roughly interchange the two, although use is stretched, and he does cruise on Warp Stars. It's a fitting descriptor. I use quite a bit of these for Kirby and other characters, in fact. Hedonistic hero, cream puff crusader, rolypoly rescuer, Curtis, etc. Of course, the "in training" thing really throws it off, unless you assume it is there due to Kirby's youth. Truthfully, as stated above, it's probably just 'cuz the guy was either a dolt or trying to pander to the cartoon crowd.

Looking at a hoax and taking anything as real is about like taking something as fact from a fan fiction. If it seems really nutty and stretched, chances are it's not canon. Granted, this all falls on grounds for proper investigation if it isn't something like Ribbon and Meta Knight being the parents of Kirby (that color plus Meta Knight's shape, OMG, I'm on to something~!). If it's a hoax to start with, which generally has worse intension than a fan work done in tribute of something rather than abuse, there's a greater and almost certain chance of bull.

1) Did... did you just call Samus Aran, queen of video game heroines, a he? I... I just want to stop right now and crawl into a corner and weep for the world right now. Really, that's... that's just horrible. Ten years ago, maybe you could hold it against someone for not knowing it was a woman beneath the metal, but nowadays? Really? With all the Zero Suit Samus, de-armoring in Brawl, and use of the feminine pronouns in all reference to her? I don't know why that'd surprise me, tho', really. People still think Kirby is a girl despite the persistent use of "he", "his", and "boy".

2) I don't think a Mario Kart plus Kirby makes any sense. It makes more sense to just make Super Smash Bros. Kart and get all the other now well tied in Nintendo characters into the mix. With how far they've reached to get drivers and items in past Kart titles, I'm surprised they didn't try to pull something like this already.

3) Air Ride. The game is called Kirby Air Ride. Now, just being able to walk around on a three dimensional race track is no where near the same thing as exploring a full terrain and interacting with enemies in the same number of D's. I've said it before, but targetting would probably be the biggest dilemma to overcome. Adding that additional axis would greatly complicate things whether aiming a star bullet or a Burning tackle. So, scooting around on the ground is not even close. Besides, that is still 2D. You can just walk around. There's no up and down. Congratulations, Kirby just shifted from side-scrolling to top view. Dimensions gained: none.

Welcome to a month-and-a-half ago, Obsessor. I'll fill you in on what you've missed. We had Halloween and a single opening of CBS Mailbag. The all too obvious flaw to the Galacta Knight/Meta Knightmare Ultra storyline has been noted and blown off by fans since, well, about hearing that line. It really doesn't make much sense; however, I'm here to dissect it.

It is true that Meta Knight is a loser. Let's face it: he loses all the time. He lost his fragment of the Star Rod, he lost his ship Halberd, he couldn't best his shadow, and he couldn't keep a sugar junkie from satiating his sweet tooth. The guy was need in some serious work. This, you can take it, is the reason why he went off on his quest, Meta Knightmare Ultra. After all, it was to train him for the ultimate challenge. Kirby is great and all, but for Meta Knight to accomplish all of Kirby's feats in a span of mere hours? That's saying something. So, in essence, we are to believe that through hard work and tireless effort, Meta Knight ascended his status into being better than Kirby by the time he confronted NOVA. Theoretically, Meta Knight could punch out the puff, if he wanted to. However, he wanted a real challenge, so why dig up to past to prove what is already known, right?

That's what you can take from it, at least. We all know that the next time Meta Knight and Kirby cross blades, Kirby will come out on top. Of course, Kirby did beat Galacta Knight in the final leg of The Arena, right? So, I guess that leaves the two off on equal footing. They both beat the best, so they are on par. The top position goes to whoever eliminates the other.

Everything. Everything is wrong with 4Kids. They're awful, soulless demons.

You can't wholly blame them for the Spanish accent. Trust me, I hate it as much as the next hate monger, but that Spanish music was there originally, so 4Kids really just build on what they were given. I'm sure if there were any, you know, Spanish people in Japan, he probably would have carried the accent. Something tells me easily that such is a rarity. Stupid, yes. Entirely to blame, no. Still hate 'em for it, definitely.

I've never heard this "Suck up this torch" line before today, oddly in two places. I'm assuming Meta Knight tossed a torch to Kirby, which he ate and used to become "Fire Kirby" to defeat some foe. Ugh, that's no better than when he chomped down on some ice cubes to gain Ice and freeze Heavy Lobster. He's suppose to be mimicking the capabilities of what he eats, not extrapolating vague descriptors into outrageous abilities. Eat a Hot Head, spit fire. Eat a torch, get a burned mouth. Then again, I'm old school, and that's how it was rocked back in the day. Sorta. Kinda. ... Not really.

This answer has a follow-up in Session #91.

Hey! I've kept good tabs on all my clones. All fifty-two of them are buried out in my yard with an extra hole in the head.

But, I wouldn't give an ability. I don't do anything and possess no power. I'd really like to know where you get the weapon related abilities from. In all but two slightly stretched cases, the holder of a weapon related ability tends to wield that weapon. Gobbler's biting buddies and Heavy Mole's mini-molers are those exceptions, but since both are basically just fodder helpful in giving the ability that would help best in the fight, you can give some lenience.

That is, unless, of course, by me you meant Squeaky Bogg, who is an entirely separate arguing point. It really would be odd to say that I looked like a Hammer or Sword when there's not (easily) any pictures of me. Squeaks, on the other hand, who still I see no way Hammer could be gotten from his looks unless really stretching the whole spiked ball and chain weaponry, would yield Backdrop.

1) The only Queen Dedede in existence, at least that I know of or that deserves any recognition, is a user name/fan character by one Ms. Shadow. She's a red colored, anthropomorphic bird thinger. In the games, there is no bride for the King. Can you blame the ladies, after all?

2) Secret rooms in Super Star Ultra would be the same as the secret rooms in Super Star. The FAQs are pretty much interchangeable. You have the switch rooms in the Dyna Blade levels that open up the ability stores and the tomato room in Revenge of Meta Knight. I think they still have the moon room in Spring Breeze, right?

1) It's a two player game. They aren't just going to cut out a segment and prevent people from playing with their friends, especially with the added Star Chariot battle scene. And, since I was really just working off of the assumption that such was the case, I went and verified this information with people who actually have the game. It's just like before.

2) See Question #2, or any of the other countless times I've droned on about the Wii title.

3) Do you know how hard it is to translate Japanese? Students of the language who have lived there for years still don't have a total grasp on the language. Aside from finding someone able to, it's still a copious amount of work, so you have two hurtles: willing participants and such people with the time and devotion. And yet there's losers who keep a daily blog for years straight... If I offended anyone, good.

1) You, sir, are a dumbass. I like that you go through the effort of naming where this guitar appears, 'cuz I sure have no clue to what you are referring to. So, I just had to verify that such never occurred wherever Mike was included. Which, I couldn't find. It's the mike ability, so he always holds a microphone or sound amplifier in his hands.

Mike in Nightmare in Dream Land (Same thing as Adventure just with better graphics), and Mike in Super Star Ultra (Same case as before, just with Super Star)

That's a mike stand, you blind git, not a guitar. If you're going to be so haughty and sure of yourself, try to make the slightest effort of backing yourself up. You know, like, past disbelievers would at least have the smarts to provide a link supporting their claim so it wasn't just their meaningless, vague words accusing me of being wrong. No, I considered Mike as a possibility for an instrument, duh. But the thing is, it's mike, thus he has a microphone, not a guitar. Vocals is the tool of a lead singer, not an ax. Get some glasses.

And, remember, folks, Uncle Gobbo is wrong a lot, and he has no problem admitting to such, but make sure that he is wrong and don't just jump around like an intoxicated monkey and point a finger with absolutely no backing to it. 'Cuz if you're a douche, he's a bigger douche.

2) You don't get this answered.

1) "Good" is a funny definition in the cases described in that question. What the well intentioned extremist seeks to do will benefit everything in the end. It's a case of "ends justifying the means". The road to that destination is rocky and normally terrible. While the end point is seen as right, the method of getting there can be seen as utterly wrong and downright evil. What is good is not always just, and other philosophical jargon.

2) ... No.

Whoops, sorry. I just watched an episode of Life that spit out the term, so it was stuck in my craw. "Black Friday" is the day after Thanksgiving, called such by the commercial industry since it is the biggest and most chaotic shopping day of the year, being the first shopping day in the Christmas season. Of course, with how stores act now, that time begins the day after Halloween.