Chapter 1 - Man About Town
After a horrible night, I decide to head home to catch some Z's.
What the hell.
Oh, I thought you were going to rape me or something.
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So, after sleeping and eating some delicious sandwiches, I head into town. First to the library to get a map, since...the library only lends out maps for some reason.
OH GOD IT'S SEVEN YEARS OVERDUE ALREADY.
There are sharks in the arcade?!? Have sharks evolved to the point where they can walk and survive on land? AND they can play arcade games? All is lost!
Doing my best hobo impression, I big through the garbage and salvage a hamburger. It may have some mold on it, but I'm not picky.
"No, but I am!" *rimshot*
A young lad in the treehouse likes me. He REALLY likes me.
The drugstore sells baseball bats?!? What an age we live in.
A local ruffian hunts me down like the Predator.
His mad hula-hoop skillz prove too much for me, and I am brutally murdered.
However, being immortal, I come back for another go.
Remember kids: the way to stop gang violence is to beat them mercilessly with baseball bats.
Detroit is famous for cars, Onett is famous for roadblocks. Can't win 'em all, I guess.
No, not really.
Oh...I guess I did.
Battling my way through hordes of latchkey children has made me the man I am today.
Feeling on top of the world, I enter the arcade. Turns out the Sharks is the name of the gang, and are not actually landsharks. It's a mistake anyone could have made.
One of them seeks revenge for a fallen comrade.
HEY YOU CANNOT USE A POGO STICK IN AN ARCADE I AM GOING TO ALERT THE MANAGEMENT IMMEDIATELY.
At least take me out to dinner first!
This gentleman asks me to join this fine organization. I hear their health and retirement plans are excellent, so I enthusiastically accept.
NO! YOU'RE BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL! YOU'RE BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!
After a little persuasion, the man moves out of the way and lets me through. If I want to become a member of the Sharks, I'll just have to take out their leader! Then I will be the leader! I will rule all of Onett!
Turns out the leader is a man in his 30s wearing a bad suit. Ask yourself, Frank, where did your life go wrong?
Ow! God, a KNIFE? All I'm doing it bashing your skull in, but you decide to use a knife? You could really hurt someone with that!
Oh no you di'int.
Aside from being a creepy old man who is surrounded by children, Frank also dabbles in robotics.
The robot was apparently made of tin cans and foil taped together with duct tape. It moves an inch and falls apart. Frank bursts into tears.
That's an understatement.
Frank tells me of a large footprint on the mountain north of Onett. Hoping to make a fortune by catching a picture of Bigfoot, I go ask the mayor for permission to continue.
I smell death on you.
The mayor winks and says he'll meet me at the shack tonight, and to come alone. I wonder what that's supposed to mean?! Oh mayor, you're a card.
And so the next leg of my journey begins.
Chapter 2 - The First Sanctuary